My deepest thoughts, my deepest fears or my hidden secrets? And how do I tell my story without giving too much away? I didn't want to hit my social media immediately with this. Not that I want to lay low, it's more like I want to remain anonymous first until I feel fully ready to immerse to my friends and family.
It's been a long time coming but I finally had the realisation that I should finally write my 10 year long awaited diary. I've been through a lot of journeys where self-realisation was progressing. With a lot of people exposing their personal insecurities, I only believe this is the right time for me to do so to.
So the name 'The Independent Lady,' a real contradiction to the lady I was back in high school yet possibly an accurate assurance of my biggest fear. Or I might be mistaking that for loneliness.
I was always known as the nice, cute and quiet girl who was just trying to get through school life and make some memories. I would say I'd worked hard to be that person then. My mother kicked me up the bum because in primary school I was a little sh*t. I was bottom set for everything and got up to a lot of mischief. I was a bad influence on my friends and my siblings. So don't blame her for wanting me to change.
It wasn't that I wasn't smart. I was just lazy. I was home tutored as well as being at school and progressed to the top sets in everything by year 10. That's when I started to evolve into this quiet and shy girl; like puberty went backwards. I shouldn't complain though, I got good grades to get me into high school and university.
Despite the good grades etc, I also went through a bit of a roller coaster of friendships just like all young girls do. And if you have fallen out with the 'popular gang', you know exactly what it feels like to be victimized by them. Its like a scene out of mean girls where they get revenge in all sorts of ways; a less viscous reenactment of when Cady jumps over the table to grab Regina's neck to start a cat fight (stupidly terrifying baring in mind I must have been about 15).
Being part of the popular gang, made me feel somewhat powerful in a sense that our opinions mattered and shaped others. Urgh sounds so cringe now. But it's true that it does empower you. Despite of this, my friends then really did make me happy and laugh so much I'd pee myself. Literally. I'd get so hyper with my best friend that we would be the troublesome duo yet the teachers still liked us because we we're just cheeky yet...loveable?
So why would I want to remove myself from this when I was happy and had a great group of friends? Because being popular meant there must be a divide in the groups of people. There were people that would not be allowed to be a part of it. My 'nice' self started to rebel against the thoughts and the bitchy opinions/comments made by them about others, including my other group of friends.
I had a second group of friends that yes, were not popular. I don't need to unravel what happened but let's just say the phrase 'two-faced' was very apparent here from my ex-bestie. I lost my friendship with the gang and sided along with the 'unpopular' which I will rename as the nicest and cutest little group of friends I had.
It's sad to say that this friendship shift actually made a huge impact on my growing up and the person I became during the end of high school. It aided in my shyness and I became quieter to the point where I'd feel myself twitch and struggle when trying to converse normal conversations. I watched what I said in case I said something stupid or something that would make others reject me. The negative thoughts would swirl in my mind til I scared myself to not talk so I don't make a fu*k up of myself.
Anyways, I'll continue that next time. I'm not writing this blog to make you feel sympathy for me. I want to reach out to those that need someone to talk to. Someone to listen to them. Because if there's something this world i believe is missing, is time and patience to listen to others. I was and am always the giver and never expect anything in return.
So this Christmas, if I can give and help others, then I feel my time is worth spent. New year, new me? What if rather a new me, a better me? A better you?
As a quiet girl from London, I sure have a lot to say. Here's the start to my story, the exposure and surfacing of all my insecurities to help you understand you will never walk alone, no matter where you are.
- The Independent Lady
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